The Sleep

The light is low as I step toward my beat and tattered couch. With a quick glance out the sliding glass window the stars can be seen by the millions. The look of the world through this mystical looking glass is that of a calm and serene reality. My soul wishes I could pull open the door, run at full speed, and jump off the the balcony. My thoughts tell me if I did, with the right speed I could just get actual lift. How jealous am I at the dwellers of the sky that can leave so freely when they choose. I bring my rushing thoughts back to reality and lie down on my comfy temporary bed. I pull the comforter over my shoulders even though I know when I toss and turn the other direction my other shoulder will be exposed. Gazing up at the quiet shadows that try and pretend to be new wall art hoping I might catch one move.
It's quiet.
The air is so still.
I close my eyes.
When no more my eyes see light, my mind takes control of my other senses. People, faces, places I've been, and memories I've shared begin to start up like a home movie in my head. I'm quickly transported to each place or see each face with the quickest of speeds. I see this world as the best transition film ever. The heater kicks on and my mind highway is stopped with the force of waking from a nightmare. I peer around the room wondering if I had been asleep. I register the silent alarm as the heater and proceed to rest my mind again.

I turn to face the back of the couch and close my eyes again. This time my mind brings up a beautiful face. Her eyes seem to stare at mine but flow past it to my soul. I turn my gaze to the left to see she and I walking step by step on the beach. The world around us is flying by at a redundant speed, but we don't notice. Then with a flash I am sitting on the ground in my room with my brother. I'm 11 years old. We're playing with our action figures. I'm Batman and he is Spiderman and once again we must stop the evil that is threatening my sisters barbies. I place Batman in the Batmoble and rush off to the lair of the wicked Two-Face. Then I feel someones arm around my shoulder. I'm crying. I'm weeping. My eyes are hurting. The snot is running down my nose and my mouth is finding it hard to open. I'm sitting on the steps of a house in Northern California. The night is warm and calm but my arms have goose bumps caused by my current state. A million thoughts rush my mind as I sit on the steps with my face in my hands. As I look through my hands at the ground I notice the little blades of grass fighting the concrete invader. It has taken stake on the grasses home, but each blade keeps fighting. My insides start to shake as I feel the stab of pain of her saying "I don't think love you anymore". With a deep breath I exhale, but I notice that I'm not anywhere I know. No longer on the steps or on the ground with my brother. There are no walls... just a gray hue of blur. A random person appears to ask how I'm doing. They have no face. I tell them good a standard answer to someone I don't know. I notice in that moment I'm 35 years old. I look around and see more nameless faces appear around me. They ask questions in a slow monotone that feels soothing at first then pricks the inside my brain with pain. I'm nothing, I have not done what I love, or what God has for me. I have a purpose and I didn't follow it. I'm a nameless one like the ones that speak to me. I can only give them general answers to my life as they do me. Everyone else is burning bright. I see loved ones, friends, and they all have swords raised as they battle there way to the castle. Toward the light. I'm still in the fog. Then I hear someone call my name but it seems to be calling from a distance.

I make my mind stop this life theater and in my near sleep stupor I call out to God. I ask for forgiveness on anything that I may have done to displease him. I then ask for his guidance and help on things in my life. I say I love him and give him all the glory and praise for all he has done for me. But as the last word leaves my lips the world goes warm and black. I am no longer in control.

I am roused from my current state by a loud thud. The sleep I was in must have been a sound one or at least to me because it's 10 am. Slowly I roll off the couch and walk back to the sliding glass window. The stars have gone and now the sky is a foggy bright melancholy scene.