To Curl Up and Die

I don't like the steps I took to get to look into your deepest feelings

And I don't like the place I'm in headspace within the hardwood and the ceiling
Cause if I'm restless than why do I
I want nothing but to rest my soul
And I don't get this and I know why
You see sometimes things are just beyond control

But I don't mind but I'm not surprised to find that you do
I'm not surprised to find that you do
I know you do
And I feel fine
But I know the same does not apply to you
I know the same does not apply to you
So I guess that I'll curl up and die too.

Clinging to the remnants of perfection like most do after they break it
Not knowing which directions the correct one do I discard or remake it
Cause if I don't know than I don't know
But I may know someone who knows me more than I
And if I somehow could rest this soul
Maybe control could find its way back to my life

But I don't mind but I'm not surprised to find that you do
You see I know that I have done all this to you, to you
And I feel fine
But I know the same does not apply to you
Yeah, I know the same does not apply to you
So I guess that I'll curl up and die too.

Yeah, I'll curl up with you
Until I die with you
Yeah, I'll curl up with you
Until I die with you
Yeah, I'll curl up with you
Until I die with you
Yeah, I'll curl up with you, my baby, yeah, my darling
Until I die with you
Yeah, I'll curl up with you
Until I die with you alone

I'm in my room. Sitting on my bed dwelling on my thoughts at 1:18am.
A friend of mine once told me " You are were you are because of who you are". I didn't believe him as I stacked a couple cases of paper on the warehouse shelf. But I remember unloading the paper truck and thinking about what he said. The year was 2005 and I was working in a paper store/supplier. I was there because of the person I am. I didn't set my goals high enough. I didn't demand more out of myself. I kept telling myself that I know who I am but I find since I asked God to change me constantly I'm losing who I am.

I just got back from three months of summer camp. I really can't believe how God moved up there. A great example is how God used the staff up there in a way I never expected in a span of a couple weeks. I thank God for being used as a tool for him. But the summer is bitter sweet for me. To get so close to a group of amazing people and then have that ripped away by distance and now time. That to me seems like a sick joke. Then to only see these people you've grown close to for an hour or a couple of days and then never again till 3 or 4 years go by. By that time you've moved on and put any thoughts or feelings of that to rest. God put a God shaped hole in all of us but also a desire for companionship. Even Adam was lonely and Adam had God. So God made Eve. Even though I stay in contact with these people of whom I've grown close to, the end result will be disconnection. Also this summer I lost myself in a girl of beauty and wisdom. This was an unexpected thing for the reason of I wasn't looking for a girlfriend, relationship, whatever you want to call it. I wasn't there for it. But like most things that make me happy it ended bad. Hence the bitter sweetness of this summer. I loved being moved and closer to God. I also loved being used to be there for the kids. But the last bits make this summer oh so hard to swallow. Will I go back I don't know. If I were to answer now. No. But God changes me daily so I can not put any substance in my words.

I keep pulling apart the pieces of me in order to obtain more truths and new light about myself. I find that I understand both sexes very well. You know that scene in What Women Want where Nick is talking to the Marriage Shrink? She says to him "If men are from mars, and women are from Venus. And you speak Venetian the world can be yours". Well I think about speaking the Venetian part. Being raised by my mom and having more women in the home then men has given me that insight. It also has given me problems. I start to find myself acting certain ways that are more what a female would do. Like complaining for instance. What does that solve? Nothing. Of course with all the knowledge God has given me so far I am always learning and yet I still haven't found the one girl I meant to love with my entire being. Although I came close I don't think I could bare getting so close to lose what I almost had. The process took a part of me I can't get back. And I don't have much left to give to lose.

So in being home I've become content in not socializing with others. Camp family included. Part of it is due to the bad girl situation I came out of. The other is for the most part friends come and go. None really stay or if they do they are the ones that say "Hey come visit me!" and yet they never come see you when you give them the same quote. Also I'm in the mountains cut off from the world. In the center of California.

Being home has also let me reflect on life. Most of the time all the bad things that have happened. But I'm alive and live in a beautiful home which has food in it. But at a certain place in my life all my hopes and dreams died. Ever since then I've been trying to get them back but all I've surmised is that I'm a loser. I'm 23 years old, I don't have a license, I don't have a job, no car, I live with my parents, I have completed one year of school which has taken me 4 years thanks to the school, and I'm in debt due to it. I'm finding it hard to find direction. My dreams and hopes are gone and the only thing I know I still want is someone to love and someone who will love me.

But what if I'm to end up like the great apostle Paul/Saul (depends on where he was in the country)? Also for questions why has God blessed me with the gift of finding the good in people and loving them completely? How do I know the right person for me is when I love them in spite of their faults?

It seems the only thing these days that makes me happy is fellowship with friends but since they are few and far between my area of reach I settle for the other things that make me happy. Like The Office, Video games, Football, Buying stuff (when I have money), getting a magazine in the mail. I'm stupid I know but for some odd reason I feel the urge to document my thoughts in digital format at now 2:00am at the end of the month.

This year is leaving me fast, soon I'll be 24 alone and still at home with no direction.

God I need you everyday as I pray, but more so then ever. If I am to be used by you to do great things then please Lord show me. If I'm not ready then please pre-pair me. I need to know you are still here next to me. I don't have my Eve yet to comfort me as Adam did I have you. That at times is the hardest thing Lord. This isn't the times of old when you appeared to your people numerous times. I need direction, a change to know when you are near and your will in my life. I want to know your direction in my life with the things that plague my thoughts and life. Be my King, rule over me in a new way. Make a way. I know in your time these things will pass. But being stupid me I think I understand you and I don't know you Lord. You are God and creator of all.

As I end this entry I know that my thoughts are everywhere, but that's how I think. But faster then I type.

The song choice and lyrics have been resonating with me lately.