How many times can you die?

When I was 6 or 7 years old I gave my life to Jesus. I don't know when it was because at the time I was small and a lot has passed since then. I remember the years to follow where I was not Christ like at all. But in the middle of 2003 that changed. I have the exact date somewhere for those who really care about the numbers. I recall on this day I had made a mental choice. I had had been working on staff at a church at the age of 18. I was heading up the drama ministry in the youth group and being a active leader as one of the four heads of the youth group. I was sitting in my office when it came to me. Have you been reborn? I pondered the thought for a minute and tried to play stupid with myself. My reply to my mind was "Yes, I gave my heart to Jesus at 6 or 7 years old you know this.". Then a different thought came after my retort. Yes, but have you died to your self? What a stupid question I thought. Then like a thrust of a long spear into my head it came to me. No, I guess I really haven't. I decided that I would die to myself, take a stand and show not only to myself but God that I thirst for him. So I signed up to be baptized. My mother did not agree with this at the time citing that I had already been through this at birth. Which to me was a big whoopee-do. How the heck am I supposed to stand up and declare God when I haven't the coherent thought to do that at the tender age I was? On that day I was submerged under the water. As it passed over my face I remember feeling a new coming up. A part of me died that day and a new life emerged. Now this doesn't mean Saint Jay came into being on this transforming day, but more of a declaration. A side was chosen. I made a choice to follow him.

That was the first and last time I would die. Or so I thought.

It was September 2004 and I was on my way to a christian university known as Vanguard. Now to be honest I didn't want to go for fear of people judging me and they themselves being ignorant of what Christ says. That feeling didn't last long when I arrived on the 3rd floor of Huntington Hall and a random person shouted "your mom!". My R.A. apologized for the comment to my parents as I smiled and said I'm going to be right at home here. I started school on the first day of school. Which means I got there, got registered, and was put into the flow right on that day. After a few short days I started to feel more independent and started to see my flaws and strong points in how I govern myself. Along the way something happened that I wasn't prepared for. I fell in love. It wasn't a thing that I just looked for it just happened. I spent one night trying to convince myself that I wasn't. I pleaded with my mind to realize the error, and that we were just good friends. But being the fiend I am to myself I put myself through a simple answer test between love and lust. My mind won. Once I realized what was going on I was a little scared because I have never been in love before. Now I didn't say I've never liked anyone or dated, that's different. The reason for this anew feeling was that I would have never picked this girl in a million years! She was a cheerleader, short, and kind of ignorant to life. Not things I was looking for in the love of my life. In my Junior year of high school I made an agreement with God that I wasn't going to date anymore till he sent the right woman for me. This pact was made due to the fact the all my previous attempts failed.All where different in terms of each relationship of how it ended or didn't start. But in the end all were the same result. During my time with this person I have never felt so alive. Everything around me was vibrant and clean. Life seemed to have every door open and nothing that was thrown at me could bring me down. This was a new feeling as well. Since life before this has always been dark and gloomy. I anew was praising God that he blessed me with this person. Now when I say I loved this person I meant it. I loved every flaw and beauty of this person. I gave myself to her fully which at the time I never did to anyone. It got to the point in the relationship where we could predict each other due to the trust and honesty we shared with each other. In the end I ended the relationship due to some of her demons coming up to start to break us apart. Rather than live with girl I was going to marry and see her start to tear us down I put a stop to it. I've never cried at a break up or when things go bad. My soul just absorbs it. This time I did. I have to say that night I actually wept. I've never done that. I didn't care who saw or why, I just wept. I went home to my parents house and spent two years in depression. The day when I cut her clean from me was the day I died again.

This death was different from the first. It seemed to take away from the very core of me. I tried so hard over the next years to get it back and be who I was. But I couldn't. It was the law of equivalent exchange. For every action there is a reaction, every thing has a cost. My cost was a part of me. The parts that were lost I saw were the very core that made me who I was. I used to love everyone and be a strong wall to go to. I had lost the love I had for myself and most people. I wasn't funny anymore. I used to be random and funny all the time. I had become a hard cold shell of something dark and self defeating. Losing those parts of me feels like walking with a cast on your leg. You know that your leg is in there, and when it's better you will run as fast as you want again. The sad truth was the cast was never coming off because my leg didn't work.

After the two years I made an attempt to find out who I was again and what life was all about. This proved to be nothing like I was in the beginning. My dreams were gone. My sense of purpose gone. I amounted living life as a loser content to working at McDonald's til I retired or died of letting myself go to fatty fatty lard syndrome. Everyday since has been a a questioning of ones morals and values. Ones outlook on what is supposed to be normal and what is not. I've looked at the every angle as to why this had happened to me. I didn't during my two years smite God, only ask what had I done wrong and what he was teaching me. I had come to the conclusion that this was the person that God had for me. But like the Israelites before me I screwed it up. I gave into sexual advances when I should have been a Godly leader and man. I believe two things 1) God has woman for me, but I haven't walked 40 days and 40 nights to reach her yet. 2) I may have to be like so many in the bible before me UN-wed. Which to me would be hard. They say no man is an island, but I will have to try.

My biggest fear is that the parts that died inside of me that are of love will never return. I don't feel it right to attempt to love someone when I can't love them to the fullest like I did when I was in love. My other fear is how much more of me can die? How much more pain and agony can I endure? What will become of me in the end? Will I be hollow inside til I breath no more and meet the all knowing? How much of my stupidity will I let control what is clearly supposed to be given to God?

I have no answers for these things. Just a wondering of how many times can you die?