Who Are You?

Maybe the question can't be answered if you don't know who you are. I guess in my own right I can't even say I know who I am. I am ever changing and always trying to fix my flaws. Then I consider the person you see yourself as and the person you really are. In my mind there is a jumble of what makes me up. Or what I think makes me up. But what I think and what people perceive are two different things. In essence I am two different people then. The one persona in my mind who thinks of himself one way and the other is what people see. I guess you could argue that there is a third persona then. The one that meets in the middle. The one that is both people in one. So which of the three is me? Upon pondering on the subject I think well logically it's the third persona. But since I'm using my mind to calculate this question, it tends to be biased. I think the first persona or my mind's eye is the real one. But then what about the persona people see. The one that is my actions. Have I not done things without thinking? Don't actions speak louder than words? Do words not have value with out action? So then the real person is the second persona. And naturally we have come full circle again with me thinking I am both in one.

To wonder such things means, I have too much time on my hands. Well I do. Too much actually. I've been contemplating my existence.

I was made by my Mother and Father seeing a need to not resist the feelings of lust for each other. I can't blame them I did it too when my time came. So a bastard born, left fatherless, growing in the light of poverty and without love. Being raised in the church I was told that I was a Christian. I've always been told what I am. It wasn't till I was in 7th grade when I became Jay. Since then I have learned, fallen, but always kept walking in this new life I had created. But as I sit here a man of 24 years I ponder what is the point?

My friends would say God has a purpose for my life. I would say this is false. I start to reread the scriptures on God's chosen ones and the words he speaks to them. But in reality for me I believe I'm a man who is for God, but in his eyes he is not for me. When I cry out to my creator I hear nothing. When I am beat by life's woes there is no saving grace. To many a time have I wept alone in the dark. To many of times have I walked the road of love and compassion to my fellow man. But alone I am, I now know alone is to be my end. To many times I speak, but no one understands. It's almost like I'm speaking gibberish instead of English.

I have decide that then if logic serves and what I know and read is correct then I'm not a Christian. But you would ask did I ask God to come into my heart and reign in my life? Yes I did. I do love him. But then again I must not. I have not let him take hold of my life. Oh I have once in a while I have, but just when it gets some what normal I take control and say no more God. So then seeing what I am I would deduce that I am a wicked, and evil hypocrite. Yes I do practice what I preach, it's a motto I live by, but I can't let God have control. I believe God's had a enough of me treating him like a whore. I've come to him in peril, or sickness. Then leave and say I don't need you when all is well. I also think that I am living in the reaping. I have sinned and I must answer for it. But I believe that when a choice came and God would have wanted me to do one thing I chose another. In doing so God can do nothing but watch as I destruct myself.

So now as I look upon myself and think of who I am the answers come forth. I'm a ugly, wicked, and a cursed creation, that doesn't deserve to intake air. But what about the 3 persona's? I think I am not any of those three. I am a fourth. The one that is fading away. There is no point in my existence. I could cloud the this theory with work, buying things, friends, but they have become dry sand in my mouth. So the logical choice would be to seek God. When I do, I only bear witness to silence. I feel a closeness with Cain from Genesis Chapter 4.

On a interesting note two days ago I awoke from a dream. The dream was me coming down the stairs. As my eyes drift up to the living room windows the sky goes dark and a flash careens across the horizon. I fall as if someone pushed me down and weep into the hardwood floor. I pray to the Lord to forgive my transgressions to him and realize that I am alone. He has come and gone. I've had other thoughts on this. Like a dream where I am outside a long fence with people standing in a line. I realize in this dream the Lord has come and gone. Again, I am left alone. Sometimes I wonder if it my purpose to remain here. Another thought I've had is wondering if my soul is mine or not. I was at home alone and spoke into the dark to ask to see some pornography on the TV. It was fuzzing in and out on the TV on a station we didn't get. I said to the dark that I would give him my soul if he would make it clear. (Which in hind sight is stupid.) It never happened and I said deals off after a minute of waiting. Now I was young and dumb but this thought haunts me. There is power and danger in what I've done. Just other thoughts to throw into this mental stew.

Who are you? If I see you and speak with you I can decipher that. I can usually see your heart. Which I can't explain. I could only say what it is I see. Who am I ? I don't know. Or I guess the term is Emo. hahahahaha ahhh I'm sick.